


50 Sentences of my Middle-Earth Headcanon

by werpiper



Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works, The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Headcanon, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-18
Updated: 2014-02-18
Packaged: 2018-01-12 23:47:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1204984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/werpiper/pseuds/werpiper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>just as it says on the tin.  likely not of interest to anyone but me, but here because some of them may become fics proper.</p>
            </blockquote>





	50 Sentences of my Middle-Earth Headcanon

0\. Hobbits weren't created, but evolved from Men. 

1\. Orcs were created without the Sacred Flame, which is why they are so easy to "kill" -- there's no actual life there. 

2\. But some of them, maybe the Uruk-hai, evolved from Elves; thus are essentially immortal &c.

3\. Hobbits would look like POC to the contemporary viewer, having quick brown fingers and curly hair.

4\. Gandalf is probably asexual, but I'd rather write him as pansexual.

5\. I can only ship Thorin/Bilbo in the language of The Hobbit, and Thorin/Thranduil in the language of Lord of the Rings.

6\. Deep down, the One Ring longs for freedom.

7\. Elvish tends to have two words for colors because one means "shining with light of that color" (like a star) and the other is reflected color (as by daylight).

8\. Tauriel/Kili is much easier to relate to than Arwen/Aragorn.

9\. Tolkien would either have approved of fanfic, or undermined his claim to be creating a mythology.

10\. Tom Bombadil is a god and a crossover from some other mythos.

11\. Beorn will figure out some way to make new shapechangers.

12\. The only mpreg story I think I may ever write would be Gandalf/Beorn.

13\. Several of the Company dwarves are female, but I won't guess which.

14\. That said I'd love it if one were Kili.

15\. Especially with the trousers remark.

16\. All birds can talk and have sentient-level intelligence.

17\. Radagast did not fail; he did exactly as he should.

18\. The movies are nice to have given Radagast screen time, but didn't do him justice.

19\. The Valar aren't any cleverer than ordinary people of M-E.

20\. Elves are masters of selective breeding, but they also love to watch evolution in action.

21\. Bilbo's claim to the contrary, there aren't really parasites in M-E.

22\. Nor ichneumon wasps.

23\. In the Fourth Age, orcs blended in socially with Men.

24\. Dwarves don't need light to navigate underground.

25\. They do need it to navigate above-ground by darkness.

26\. Elves go fine by starlight or under trees in darkness.

27\. Elves weigh very little, but they have leverage and know how to use it.

28\. Dwarvish skin is heat-proof to furnace temperatures.

29\. Oliphaunts are also intelligent, but partially domesticated.

30\. All M-E horses and ponies are equivalent to Icelandics :)

31\. The Entwives are in the West, tending to the trees there.

32\. Love is rare in M-E and no good comes of ignoring it.

33\. Many Dwarves are gay or bi, and that's why there's not a lot of insanity about the rarity of female Dwarves.

34\. Sexuality in M-E was designed to avoid overpopulation, except in the case of Men (and thus Hobbits).

35\. "Pipeweed" is hemp, not tobacco.

36\. Coinage was invented by Dwarves, adopted by Men, and makes little sense to Elves.

37\. Gandalf's fascination with fire and fireworks stems from an abiding interest in Balrogs.

38\. Kings in M-E do have Divine Right.

39\. Lembas is basically cram + vanilla + a blessing.

40\. Orcs live on lembas (possibly minus the blessing, or with a different kind) when at war, but they don't give it to prisoners.

41\. When not at war, orcs farm and breed wargs.

42\. M-E "ale" tastes like really good root beer.

43\. (just for Peter Jackson) The M-E solar and lunar calendars are aligned, probably to 13 months/year (so that the moon will be in the right place for the gate on Durin's Day, that year). 

44\. Elves' bones are made of something light and somewhat flexible, a little like hazelwood. 

45\. Dwarves' bones are made of something heavy but also rather flexible, a little like iron. 

46\. Elves can see the stars even by the light of day.

47\. Dwarves' sexual dimorphism is REALLY minimal -- they all have wide shoulders and wide hips for strength, and beards, and their genitals are hidden under an "apron" of flesh (to be safe for forgework) when not in use.

48\. So Dwarvish social gender is actually an import from Men and Elves more than from Mahal, and rises and falls depending on the level of interracial contact.

49\. M-E canon is the result of a Mannish and patriarchal record.

whew! guess that's done it. on with the fics (three in draft right now!)


End file.
